April 28-29 Weekend Review

  In the spirit that inspires this blog, I visited one of the events from the past weekend. I give Cocktales eight out of nine Mr. Limpys. (All links probably NSFW).

   Cocktales was a Writer's Festival event hosted by Venus Envy. I've never been to Venus Envy before and didn't suppose that a visit was necessary — you've seen one sex shop, you've seen 'em all. You have to ledge-walk between shelves hoping you don't knock over one of the “couples” board games and people think you've dropped it in your excitement, or try not to stare into the cavernous displays from the DVD shelves, or dodge poorly placed accessories.

   In these stuffed and dank shops you're being held hostage by your own disgusting sexuality.

disgusting.

    Refreshingly, Venus Envy is well-lit, pleasantly spaced, and has a crazy amount of educational books that don't always explicitly deal with sex but with health. Brochures and posters advocating safe sex and sexual health line the store. It is an open and respectful environment for talking about sex.
It's wonderful.

  

  The readers were fantastic. Daniel Allen Cox (he he!) of Basement With Wolves, Jasmine Aziz of Sex and Samosas, Nerys Parry of Men & Other Natural Disasters, and Tamara Faith Berger of Maidenhead were all awesome, articulate, and funny. I thought that the event was going to be a panel discussion on sex but it was actually a book reading. Then I thought that the readings would be Harlequin-y. However, each of the stories could stand on their own even if they removed the sex.

   It was a really great time.

   EXCEPT! This penis-looking mother-effer bought a carrot, cucumber, and gravel sandwich and was obviously worried he would choke to death. He would not stop chewing. He would unhinge his jaw, take a massive bite, and mash that single bite in his mouth for minutes. MINUTES. You could see his stupid tendons and head-veins moving under his skin. It was awful.

   Then — as if to prove that he is an asshole in all areas of his life — he chucks the sandwich garbage underneath the chair of the person in front of him. I hate him.

April 21 & 22, bonus Friday

Friday

Yoga Rave! at Prana Shanti

    It’s two of the things your friend who’s stuck in the nineties makes you try even though you really don’t want to together at last!

   This experience is a chance to enjoy a non-judgmental, inclusive opportunity to sing, dance, express creativity, and be super elated. The event listing says that they’ll “use contemporary beats and rhythms fused with highly energetic mantras to create a dance evening that is riveting, yet soul stirring. Yoga Rave is the perfect blend between sound and silence, movement and stillness.”

   If you arrive by 6:30 you can have your body painted with black light paint.
   It actually seems pretty cool and a great opportunity to let your more bashful side eff off.  

   Don’t forget to sign up. All proceeds go to the Canadian Mental Health Association.            

Prana Shanti Yoga Studio, 52 Armstrong Street. $20.00  6:30pm to 10pm. 613-761-9642.

http://www.pranashanti.com/

Saturday

IFCO Presents: BE REEL!

    The Independent Filmmakers Cooperative of Ottawa INC is celebrating 20 years of supporting independent cinema in the Cap. The description of the event says “filmmaking at the Co-operative is focused on using creative filmic approaches & processes” but I don’t know what those words mean so it’s probably pretty sophisticated. Oh! The descriptions of the films include mm measurements. So.

   People who know things about film and stuff  will maybe appreciate it more and the rest of us will probably go for the other stuff (...refreshments).
National Library and Archives Canada, 395 Wellington Street @ Bay Street.  $12.00, doors open at 6pm, show at 7pm. 613-569-1789.
http://www.ifco.ca/events/gala.html

Sunday

Sarah MacDougall at somebody’s damn house

   When I stumbled upon this artist’s website, I was ear-attacked by an amazing song. As the music burrowed into the ol’ love-pump, it became obvious that she needs to be seen live by me. Luckily, she’s playing in town this weekend.   Less-luckily, her show is apparently at somebody’s house. Why is this listed on the internet as an event?! It says “House concert”. It’s supposed to be part of her Yukon tour, but it seems to actually be part of the EMOTIONAL LET DOWN tour.  If it turns out that House is actually a club in town that is too hot for rubes to know about, please send an email. I won’t tell the other rubes.

http://sarahmacdougall.com

Where are you, music pixie? ANSWER ME.

Sat&Sun

The Ottawa Wedding Show 2012

   Take that sheet off your head. It’s not a veil and it makes you look like a racist.
   Get your fantasy-wedding fix at the Ottawa Wedding Show. There will be over 100 exhibitors covering every wedding need from the cake to the car. It’ll be like your board on Pinterest ( i, ii, iii ) but in real life.
   You don’t even have to have your shizz together! You can just go down with your other alonely friends to taste test the cakes, manhandle the gowns, and cry in the washrooms.
   I’m just joking. I’m fine.

every year.

April 8 The Spring Craft Centre at the OCC

   In the spirit that inspires this blog, I visited one of the events from the past weekend. I give The Spring Craft Sale six out of eight pushy vendors and the unexpected Ottawa excursion 12 out of 12 reluctant cats.

    My friend and I went to the Craft Show on the Sunday and expected the vendors to be tired and hopeless, but the Convention Centre was a-bustlin'.

   As the jewellery and clothing booths were a little typical and a lot pricey we stuck to the tasty food stands with their vulnerable taste testing displays. One vendor had unwisely uncorked a sample of each of his offerings and had Tupperware containers filled with cubed bread and saltines. The result was entire families, cheapskates, and assholes alike saddling up and double dipping into pistachio butter, roasted garlic oil, and horseradish mustard. The stations were virtually unattended and salivating condiment-vultures from all corners of the OCC came scrambling for a shame-free taste. It was delicious.

   One of the first stands we came across (and where I ended up throwing most of the craft budget) was the locally-made Island Spiced sauces. In a fit of fake bravado, I walked away with a very spicy sauce. I've been stubbornly smearing it on President Choice crackers, daring anyone to ask why I'm crying or so sweaty. 

 

   Another stand that can win any heart is the Henderson Farms display. The jelly man was so effervescent, knowledgeable, and generous letting us try as many jellies as we wanted. We both walked away with a large jar of their Cranberry&Jalapeno scrumptiousness.

   The great fun really started in the Market. We snuck onto the back balcony of The Heart and Crown to try a citrusy beer called the Kronenburg 1664 Blanc. At the time I said it was delicious but I was lying and would be lying now if I said it was again. It’s a beer for your Bud Light Lime drinkers (that is to say not really beer drinkers at all).

   At the cat houses on Parliament Hill, a couple ladies said that Harper plans to shut down the haven as soon as the last kitty bites the dust. Probably he’s working to make it as unapproachable as Capital Hill. Ugh.

 

  

   We were wandering down Bank Street when the sound of live music pulled us into the Atomic Rooster. Easily taken for a discrete gay bar, it is actually an adorable tavern with a crowd reminiscent of people back home. There were ladies with bleached and teased hair with grey roots and men rocking their Canadian tuxedos.

   We ordered a Beau's and watched the band play for the couples dancing in front of them while the less brave snapped their fingers at the bar.

   On our way out we made a quick stop at the restroom. One of the stalls was generously large and the other not so much. My companion slipped into the large one because she is enormously selfish. I gave my stall’s door a little lock-test push that revealed this:

   Which lead to this:

   She hitched up her britches, tugged down her skirt, and waved off my apologies with exceptionally good humour as I stammered and spittled.

   Then we cheesed it out of there.

April 7-8 Weekend

All Weekend

Craft Sale

     Come on down and celebrate the resurrection of Christ in style.
     Craft sales are the only reason to exist through the shitty seasons (Spring and Fall). Also, the Ottawa Convention Centre is so beautiful there are no valid reasons to not go there for Easter weekend. There are going to be over 180 artists and designers. That is the same number of degrees that is half a whole circle.
     From the event calendar: “It’s a great opportunity to freshen up your spring wardrobe and find items to brighten up your home and garden.”
     Probably any awesome haggling skills you possess are best left at home. Turns out crafters are pretty serious about their wares. You’re an artist  — we know. 

Ottawa Convention Centre, 55 Colonel By Drive. $7.00. All Weekend –see website for times. 613-241-5777www.originalsshow.ca

Easter at the Canada Agriculture Museum

     Ah! Animal babies!
     Although the Agricultural farm was a let down before, there is no amount of baby animals too little to stop me from throwing money at whoever is keeping them.

     You’ll be able to help make delicious Easter bread in the demonstration kitchen, learn a bunch of EGGciting (hahahahahaha kill me.) facts and astonishing feats of the household egg, take opportunities to heavily pet some lambs, and to check out fluffy little new born chicks who will hopefully be more polite than grown up chickens.
Agriculture Museum, Prince of Wales Drive. $9.00. All Weekend, 9:30am-4pm. 613-991-3044.
Click for website http://www.agriculture.technomuses.ca/english/activities_events/Easter_2012.cfm

Saturday

Easter Egg Hunt at the Diefenbunker

    Buh! Before you make the decision to go there, check out the website.
    I know it’s relevant, but the weird flashing header at the top of the screen is alarming. There’s an inexplicable, hat wearing silhouette of a man (Scaramouche! Scaramouche!) slowly lowering into the darkness, a terrifying figure in a gas mask, some culvert looking tunnel thing. It really is alarming.
     And a great place to search for Easter eggs with your loved ones!

     The bunker is 100 000 square feet of egg hiding fun. There will even be an opportunity to make an Easter themed craft!
     Murdery undertones aside, it seems like a sweet place to lose your kids for a couple hours.

UPDATE- Shucks. It looks like the bunker is undergoing some maintenance so the morgue will not be accessible to visitors until further notice. The morgue.

Diefenbunker, 3911 Carp Road. Event free with admission ($14.00). Saturday, 11am-4pm. 613-839-0007.
http://www.diefenbunker.ca/

Globetrotters

Also, the Globetrotters are in town but Jesus doesn't look very good in their uniform so click for info.