April 28-29 Weekend Review

  In the spirit that inspires this blog, I visited one of the events from the past weekend. I give Cocktales eight out of nine Mr. Limpys. (All links probably NSFW).

   Cocktales was a Writer's Festival event hosted by Venus Envy. I've never been to Venus Envy before and didn't suppose that a visit was necessary — you've seen one sex shop, you've seen 'em all. You have to ledge-walk between shelves hoping you don't knock over one of the “couples” board games and people think you've dropped it in your excitement, or try not to stare into the cavernous displays from the DVD shelves, or dodge poorly placed accessories.

   In these stuffed and dank shops you're being held hostage by your own disgusting sexuality.

disgusting.

    Refreshingly, Venus Envy is well-lit, pleasantly spaced, and has a crazy amount of educational books that don't always explicitly deal with sex but with health. Brochures and posters advocating safe sex and sexual health line the store. It is an open and respectful environment for talking about sex.
It's wonderful.

  

  The readers were fantastic. Daniel Allen Cox (he he!) of Basement With Wolves, Jasmine Aziz of Sex and Samosas, Nerys Parry of Men & Other Natural Disasters, and Tamara Faith Berger of Maidenhead were all awesome, articulate, and funny. I thought that the event was going to be a panel discussion on sex but it was actually a book reading. Then I thought that the readings would be Harlequin-y. However, each of the stories could stand on their own even if they removed the sex.

   It was a really great time.

   EXCEPT! This penis-looking mother-effer bought a carrot, cucumber, and gravel sandwich and was obviously worried he would choke to death. He would not stop chewing. He would unhinge his jaw, take a massive bite, and mash that single bite in his mouth for minutes. MINUTES. You could see his stupid tendons and head-veins moving under his skin. It was awful.

   Then — as if to prove that he is an asshole in all areas of his life — he chucks the sandwich garbage underneath the chair of the person in front of him. I hate him.

April 21 & 22, bonus Friday

Friday

Yoga Rave! at Prana Shanti

    It’s two of the things your friend who’s stuck in the nineties makes you try even though you really don’t want to together at last!

   This experience is a chance to enjoy a non-judgmental, inclusive opportunity to sing, dance, express creativity, and be super elated. The event listing says that they’ll “use contemporary beats and rhythms fused with highly energetic mantras to create a dance evening that is riveting, yet soul stirring. Yoga Rave is the perfect blend between sound and silence, movement and stillness.”

   If you arrive by 6:30 you can have your body painted with black light paint.
   It actually seems pretty cool and a great opportunity to let your more bashful side eff off.  

   Don’t forget to sign up. All proceeds go to the Canadian Mental Health Association.            

Prana Shanti Yoga Studio, 52 Armstrong Street. $20.00  6:30pm to 10pm. 613-761-9642.

http://www.pranashanti.com/

Saturday

IFCO Presents: BE REEL!

    The Independent Filmmakers Cooperative of Ottawa INC is celebrating 20 years of supporting independent cinema in the Cap. The description of the event says “filmmaking at the Co-operative is focused on using creative filmic approaches & processes” but I don’t know what those words mean so it’s probably pretty sophisticated. Oh! The descriptions of the films include mm measurements. So.

   People who know things about film and stuff  will maybe appreciate it more and the rest of us will probably go for the other stuff (...refreshments).
National Library and Archives Canada, 395 Wellington Street @ Bay Street.  $12.00, doors open at 6pm, show at 7pm. 613-569-1789.
http://www.ifco.ca/events/gala.html

Sunday

Sarah MacDougall at somebody’s damn house

   When I stumbled upon this artist’s website, I was ear-attacked by an amazing song. As the music burrowed into the ol’ love-pump, it became obvious that she needs to be seen live by me. Luckily, she’s playing in town this weekend.   Less-luckily, her show is apparently at somebody’s house. Why is this listed on the internet as an event?! It says “House concert”. It’s supposed to be part of her Yukon tour, but it seems to actually be part of the EMOTIONAL LET DOWN tour.  If it turns out that House is actually a club in town that is too hot for rubes to know about, please send an email. I won’t tell the other rubes.

http://sarahmacdougall.com

Where are you, music pixie? ANSWER ME.

Sat&Sun

The Ottawa Wedding Show 2012

   Take that sheet off your head. It’s not a veil and it makes you look like a racist.
   Get your fantasy-wedding fix at the Ottawa Wedding Show. There will be over 100 exhibitors covering every wedding need from the cake to the car. It’ll be like your board on Pinterest ( i, ii, iii ) but in real life.
   You don’t even have to have your shizz together! You can just go down with your other alonely friends to taste test the cakes, manhandle the gowns, and cry in the washrooms.
   I’m just joking. I’m fine.

every year.

April 8 The Spring Craft Centre at the OCC

   In the spirit that inspires this blog, I visited one of the events from the past weekend. I give The Spring Craft Sale six out of eight pushy vendors and the unexpected Ottawa excursion 12 out of 12 reluctant cats.

    My friend and I went to the Craft Show on the Sunday and expected the vendors to be tired and hopeless, but the Convention Centre was a-bustlin'.

   As the jewellery and clothing booths were a little typical and a lot pricey we stuck to the tasty food stands with their vulnerable taste testing displays. One vendor had unwisely uncorked a sample of each of his offerings and had Tupperware containers filled with cubed bread and saltines. The result was entire families, cheapskates, and assholes alike saddling up and double dipping into pistachio butter, roasted garlic oil, and horseradish mustard. The stations were virtually unattended and salivating condiment-vultures from all corners of the OCC came scrambling for a shame-free taste. It was delicious.

   One of the first stands we came across (and where I ended up throwing most of the craft budget) was the locally-made Island Spiced sauces. In a fit of fake bravado, I walked away with a very spicy sauce. I've been stubbornly smearing it on President Choice crackers, daring anyone to ask why I'm crying or so sweaty. 

 

   Another stand that can win any heart is the Henderson Farms display. The jelly man was so effervescent, knowledgeable, and generous letting us try as many jellies as we wanted. We both walked away with a large jar of their Cranberry&Jalapeno scrumptiousness.

   The great fun really started in the Market. We snuck onto the back balcony of The Heart and Crown to try a citrusy beer called the Kronenburg 1664 Blanc. At the time I said it was delicious but I was lying and would be lying now if I said it was again. It’s a beer for your Bud Light Lime drinkers (that is to say not really beer drinkers at all).

   At the cat houses on Parliament Hill, a couple ladies said that Harper plans to shut down the haven as soon as the last kitty bites the dust. Probably he’s working to make it as unapproachable as Capital Hill. Ugh.

 

  

   We were wandering down Bank Street when the sound of live music pulled us into the Atomic Rooster. Easily taken for a discrete gay bar, it is actually an adorable tavern with a crowd reminiscent of people back home. There were ladies with bleached and teased hair with grey roots and men rocking their Canadian tuxedos.

   We ordered a Beau's and watched the band play for the couples dancing in front of them while the less brave snapped their fingers at the bar.

   On our way out we made a quick stop at the restroom. One of the stalls was generously large and the other not so much. My companion slipped into the large one because she is enormously selfish. I gave my stall’s door a little lock-test push that revealed this:

   Which lead to this:

   She hitched up her britches, tugged down her skirt, and waved off my apologies with exceptionally good humour as I stammered and spittled.

   Then we cheesed it out of there.

April 7-8 Weekend

All Weekend

Craft Sale

     Come on down and celebrate the resurrection of Christ in style.
     Craft sales are the only reason to exist through the shitty seasons (Spring and Fall). Also, the Ottawa Convention Centre is so beautiful there are no valid reasons to not go there for Easter weekend. There are going to be over 180 artists and designers. That is the same number of degrees that is half a whole circle.
     From the event calendar: “It’s a great opportunity to freshen up your spring wardrobe and find items to brighten up your home and garden.”
     Probably any awesome haggling skills you possess are best left at home. Turns out crafters are pretty serious about their wares. You’re an artist  — we know. 

Ottawa Convention Centre, 55 Colonel By Drive. $7.00. All Weekend –see website for times. 613-241-5777www.originalsshow.ca

Easter at the Canada Agriculture Museum

     Ah! Animal babies!
     Although the Agricultural farm was a let down before, there is no amount of baby animals too little to stop me from throwing money at whoever is keeping them.

     You’ll be able to help make delicious Easter bread in the demonstration kitchen, learn a bunch of EGGciting (hahahahahaha kill me.) facts and astonishing feats of the household egg, take opportunities to heavily pet some lambs, and to check out fluffy little new born chicks who will hopefully be more polite than grown up chickens.
Agriculture Museum, Prince of Wales Drive. $9.00. All Weekend, 9:30am-4pm. 613-991-3044.
Click for website http://www.agriculture.technomuses.ca/english/activities_events/Easter_2012.cfm

Saturday

Easter Egg Hunt at the Diefenbunker

    Buh! Before you make the decision to go there, check out the website.
    I know it’s relevant, but the weird flashing header at the top of the screen is alarming. There’s an inexplicable, hat wearing silhouette of a man (Scaramouche! Scaramouche!) slowly lowering into the darkness, a terrifying figure in a gas mask, some culvert looking tunnel thing. It really is alarming.
     And a great place to search for Easter eggs with your loved ones!

     The bunker is 100 000 square feet of egg hiding fun. There will even be an opportunity to make an Easter themed craft!
     Murdery undertones aside, it seems like a sweet place to lose your kids for a couple hours.

UPDATE- Shucks. It looks like the bunker is undergoing some maintenance so the morgue will not be accessible to visitors until further notice. The morgue.

Diefenbunker, 3911 Carp Road. Event free with admission ($14.00). Saturday, 11am-4pm. 613-839-0007.
http://www.diefenbunker.ca/

Globetrotters

Also, the Globetrotters are in town but Jesus doesn't look very good in their uniform so click for info.

Cheneka's Birthday. An Evening To Remember That Noone Does

    In the spirit that (hopefully) perpetuates this blog, I attended one of the events from the past weekend.  I give Cheneka's Birthday experience a rating of 11 out of 11 dodged date rapes.

    Historically, St Patrick's day has passed resentfully under-celebrated while making sandwiches or hawking retail. This year, in the intense anticipation of Cheneka's birthday, the sense of jubilation was so strong that I woke up 12 hours before I would see the fille d'anniversaire and headed downtown to join other Ottawaians in this the day of misplaced nationalism.

   
The first stop was The Mud Oven where my mug was finally unveiled (see update) and then to Wag Pet Shop/Cafe with a friend and her socially retarded Great Dane, Olive.
    Olive is a well-intentioned gentle giant. One might describe her as the Lennie in any relationship. One of the saddest sights is watching a scruffy dachshund with a Napoleon-complex angrily defend his family against this tall, misunderstood dog/horse. To be fair, Olive's physical appearance epitomizes the symbol of despair, sorrow, and impending death in the English Language, which may stir some feelings of panic when she's galloping at you.

    As the noon-hour loomed, we made our way to James Street Pub to get St Patrick's Day underway (with a stop at the liquor store for good measure) and met up with my favourite (and notorious good sport) St. Patrick's traveler.

    St. Patty's garb is stupid. Anyone with any dignity wears a green shirt or some pants (if you're really kooky) and leaves the green beer-shaped goggles, tall hats, and dumb beads at home. However, a very persuasive and charismatic waiter came around with green and free foam hats. I wore mine until my hairline was warm and sweaty. 

 

Not Pictured: my sopping forehead.

 

    As the beers drained and our little group dispersed, I found myself back in Nepean to prepare for Cheneka's birthday. There were adorable Irish folk everywhere. I had a nice conversation with a slightly inebriated gentleman who looked exactly like your pot-of-gold leprechaun:

But actually probably looked more like:

    I finally made my way to Cheneka's house where the festivities began for her and continued for me. The plans were to go to the bar for some dancing and fun, but our friend was having a get together at his place. It was decidedly the polite gesture to go there first and exchange some pleasantries with old/new friends.

    As with any celebration in the spring, the matter of choosing a flattering outfit that you won't freeze in is an emotionally daunting task. I, by some sort of medical anomaly, was no longer affected by the cool air but Cheneka was still faced with the problem of dressing. Luckily, she sorted it out for herself as the evening wore on.

   Though we never did make it to the bar, we had a grand time at the house party where such exciting events as this

this

and this

happened.

   A mere six hours after we had returned to our respective sleep-holes, the call to action came in.

March 17-18 Weekend

Saturday

Classic Albums Live: U2 The Joshua Tree

   Everybody's favourite album from the best band out of Dirty Dublin (har har har) is being performed by Classic Albums Live; a versatile rock re-creation group with none of the hokey impersonations (and, unfortunately, none of the leotards).

Number 26 on the Rolling Stone's Top 500 Greatest Albums Of All Time (though perhaps we shouldn't take them too seriously. London Calling making it ahead of The Beatles (The White Album)? Please.) U2's The Joshua Tree will be performed “note for note, cut for cut” and the audience will “swear they're listening to the actual band” live. It's all the band's awesome with none of the band's price tag (and hopefully none of the Bono preachy nonsense).
Centrepointe Theatre, 101 Centrepointe Dr. $45.00. 8pm. 613-580-2700.

www.centrepointetheatre.com

Penny Plain

   The description from the website is pretty eloquent so I'm not going to mess around with it. See below:
   “Penny Plain is blind, but she hears plenty about the state of things and the fate of mankind. When her companion dog Geoffrey leaves to live as a man, Penny sits waiting for the world to end. But her vigil is interrupted by survivalists, a serial killer, a cross-dressing banker, talking dogs, and mysterious strangers seeking sanctuary. Part gothic thriller, part apocalyptic drawing room comedy, Penny Plain shows the horribly funny consequences of mother earth reclaiming her ground.”

Late comers will not be admitted but hopefully publicly humiliated.

(Playing until April 1) The National Arts Centre, 53 Elgin Street. $22.00. 7:30 pm. 888-991-2787.

http://nac-cna.ca

The Leafs vs The Sens

OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod. Ontario's NHL teams facing off in the Capital? Somebody's going to get groped on the OC Transpo (keep your fingers crossed for me).

Scotiabank Place, $75.00-$275.00. 4:30pm. 613-599-5267.

www.capitaltickets.ca

The Only Event Worth Knowing About This Weekend

Cheneka's Birthday

Twenty-three years ago this Saturday, slimey and screaming, Cheneka came into this world for the sole purpose of rocking the shit out of every St. Patty's day.

This girl gets ready for St Patrick's day like she's a quarterback in the Superbowl

If you're downtown Saturday, send Cheneka a birthday message. We'll be the puddles in the Market.

Happy Birthday, Cheneka!