October 27 & 28 Review

    I was sick this past weekend. I reached out for support and was offered every home-remedy ranging from rest and tea to Nyquil and beer. I decided to beat the shit out of the sickness with the unbridled power of yoga:

    Regular bodily functions are a terrible thing to have in spandex among ten fit strangers; gassiness, coughing, and having an unstoppable itch are all natural things that are amplified in a quiet and zen room. Having a case of plugged-sinuses made me feel incredibly self-conscious and justifiably gross:

  

   After sleevin' it for the rest of the class, I was relieved to unwind in the least judgemental place on Earth — the city bus.

   A year ago, my friend taught me how to crochet. I vaguely remember her becoming frustrated with my slow learning progress and threatening me with physical violence. She can't hold a candle to this crochet-shaming bus-monster:

   This lady noticed my craft and confided that she too knows how to crochet.

   “Do you know how to make a chain?” she asked sweetly/menacingly.

   “I think so,” said I with trust and foolishness.

   “Here,” she said while taking my yarn and stick away from me.

  I didn't realise I had been crocheting all wrong. This is how I crochet:

when I should be crocheting like:

   There's this hand-contortion that you're supposed to do to make the process look effortless. It's something like:

and I just couldn't get my hand to stay folded in that position. If left unsupervised, the hand would unfurl and go back to groping and mishandling the yarn.

   The lady kept taking the crochet from me to demonstrate. Each time, she would walk me through the steps, hand the yarn back, and look around the bus to make eye contact with someone so she could shrug and shake her head like “Can you believe this girl?”

can you believe she actually said that?

  But really, the lady was incredibly adorable during the entire bus ride and, as a bonus, we used the impromptu lesson to ignore the drunk, dishevelled vagrant who was yelling to us.

Oct 20/21 Review / A Cat.

   

   This weekend I met up with a friend from college to wander around the city to see what we could see. 

   We went down to the Market where something NFL themed was going on. We watched children pathetically throw footballs through tires and they were awful at it.

   

   I looked for the giant pumpkin but didn't see it which means it clearly wasn't big enough.

   Another thing that's happening is that my friend, Dustin, is moving Out West to be a cowboy or an oil tycoon or a Chinese immigrant or something. In doing so, he's leaving behind this wittle orange kitty, Minnie.

    Minnie is a furry little beer-swilling dumpling of complicated emotions. She is definitely on the spectrum. She avoids eye contact, doesn't want to sustain a cuddle, and is incredibly non-verbal. Also, it's probably unrelated but she might also have a mild case of micrognathia.

    Right now, she's living with Dustin's roommates and is reportedly happy. However, the big move Out West presents a need for Minnie to have a home with regular and present guardians and maybe a friend to hang out with...

I propose:

 

   His name is Biggie and her name is Minnie. It's fate.

    They've met tons of times and it always goes really well.

    They're like a fuzzier and more idiotic version of Milo and Otis. Who in their right mind would pass up that opportunity for a pairing?

  Fools would.

  It's true that Dustin has already raised a cat with my friend Jessica and so has hastily decided that she would be a good choice to take care of Minnie. 

 

  I want to destroy her.

  Jess is awesome but I will besmirch her character and throw her under every bus until that cat is mine.

  I've already started spreading little white lies around the cat-community to undermine her capabilities as a suitable cat-owner:

   “I once saw her pull on her cat's tail for no reason.”

   “She drove her last cat to the brink of cat-madness.”

and

   “She once strangled a cat.”

the cat community is also the knitting community

   The whole project is incredibly time-consuming. 

#TeamMiggie

   

October 20 & 21

I went to visit a friend in the Big Smoke this weekend and she finally put my OTW illustrative talents to practical use:

Even those porcelain owls are like, "Whaat?"

The line forms over in the Contact tab, people.

Saturday

Ottawa Valley Crafts and Collectibles Show

   What is it about this season that brings out the inner DIYer, crafter, and baker in everyone? Even the completely incompetent dip their toes in the domestic trades once the leaves turn a little burnt umberish. Pinterest is a mess right now.
   I made pom-poms for the dog's collar on Thanksgiving. Pom-poms. Why?

   So here's another craft show. There's free admission (a rarity) and free parking (a Nessie!).

   Expect hand-crafted items, home decor, culinary giftware, hand knits, vintage collectibles, y mucho más!

Library and Archives Canada, 395 Wellington Street. 9am-5pm. Free Admission, Free Parking.

http://ovccshow.com/

Oktoberfest — ByWard Market

   “Another Oktoberfest?” say you? This one is different, damn it. So different that someone who has already been to one might be compelled to go again.

   Face painting, barrel racing, The Leiderhosers, and a giant pumpkin.

   Many ByWard Market businesses are participating by serving Oktoberfest-themed dishes and drinks, hosting contests, and doing giveaways!

   The official beer tent is at the Cabin on York.

ByWard Market, 55 ByWard Market Square. 11am-4pm. 613-562-3325.

http://www.byward-market.com/en/events/oktoberfest.htm

Sunday

Pugs for Adoption

   This is just a shameless plug for an organisation that re-homes pugs who don't have families. Pugs love getting touched by people so you should do your part and go down to the market to pet a few of these guys. 

   Donations are probably most appreciated.

Brewers Park Farmer's Market, Bronson Avenue South of Riverside Avenue. 10am-4pm.

http://undermywingpugrescue.com/

All Weekend

Antiquing at The Fieldhouse

   Antique furniture, handbags that you've only seen on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, amazing jewellery, vintage fashion... it's a rich hipster's dream. Probably everything is going to be beautiful. Is all that beauty worth paying 10 dollars to see it?

   Yes.

The Fieldhouse at Carleton University, Bronson Avenue And Sunnyside. Fri 5pm-9pm, Sat 10am-5pm, Sun 10am-4pm. $10.

http://www.asinter.com/

October 13 & 14

    I made pumpkin seeds a la last week's post 

"You're going to be inedible soon. I better wander away."

    However, instead of staying diligent I had some holiday-rum and I let them burn. They were terrible. Make sure your time isn't being occupied elsewhere when you tackle this snack. (p.s. I ate them anyways because I'm a sad and stubborn person).

Saturday

Capital City Cabaret

    You never knew this town had so much burlesque, did you? Damn, you bureaucrats get down.

    St Brigid's Centre for the Arts is hosting Toronto's vaudeville legends, Parker & Seville, and burlesque, boylesque, cabaret, comedy, sideshow, and vaudeville. Dress up nicely, for goodness sake, and get ready to dance between the pews. There's an amazing lineup of entertainers (see their Facebook for details) and varied acts such as fire-breathing, belly-dancing, a painted lady, a hoop dance, juggling, and a god damn cash bar.

    The following morning there will be a pancake breakfast (at 10am, $5.00). These two events are not related.

To be honest, you guys, I'm not actually sure how burlesque works.

St. Brigid's Centre for the Arts, 302 St Patrick Street. 9p.m. $25 in advance (online, at Auntie Loo's Treats , or The Record Shaap), or here, here , or here. $30 at the door.
Facebook 

Ottawa's first Brewery Market

Like a Farmer's Market where the vegetables/meats/confectioneries are beer.

I really don't know what else you'd need to know.

   Let's see: 10 breweries from the Ottawa region, an opportunity to learn about local beer, sometimes there are specialty beers. Anyways. Brewery Market.

1000 Wellingston Street West. 12pm-8pm. Free Admission.
http://brewerymarket.com/

Sunday

A Curious Craft Show & Swap

    From the info site: “A curious craft show presents over 30 fabulous local artists, designers, makers and creators where you will find unique hand crafted treats from art and accessories to housewares and kid's stuff. We will also feature our popular "Crafter's Swap" — Everyone is welcome to bring any crafting tools or supplies no longer needed and can leave them at the table to swap for free! Any craft goes, just bring it in and give someone else the opportunity to pick up a new skill. Then help yourself to that jar of buttons or set of paintbrushes and go home inspired to create.”

    This is another one of those events that I can't find the admission price for so bring $10 and hope for the best.

Jack Purcell Community Centre, 320 Jack Purcell Lane. 11 a.m. 613-564-1050

info 

All Weekend

Sexapalooza!

Sexapalooza is a consumer sex show — a place for product and service providers to meet and sell directly to their customers. Like a sex trade-show but not a sex-trade show. Hm. Cheneka and I went in February. Although we felt we would have done a way better event-managing job it was still a good time. They had a Dungeon (no photography) where some fat guy zapped us with a mini science-ball, a cinema set-up where we saw some labias, and a creepy guy who took this photo for us:

CE Centre — Hall 2, 4899 Uplands Drive. Click here for hours. Save online or $20 at the door ($30 for the weekend). 888-822-9221.

sexapalooza.ca 

The Ottawa Wedding Show

If you leave Sexapalooza with the feeling that you and your fornicating-partner need to be doing it for the rest of your lives, just wander down the hall and check out the Ottawa Wedding Show. Wedding gowns, wedding cars, wedding butt plugs, wedding party-gifts all under one roof.

There will be over 125 wedding suppliers — you're bound to find something to inspire your special day or doily collection.
   I'm fine.

CE Centre, 4899 Uplands Drive. Saturday & Sunday 11am-5pm. FREE admission. 613-829-6764 ex 1.

http://www.ottawaweddingshow.com

   

Oct 6,7,8 THANKSGIVING

The Capital has been crazy with events these past couple weeks.

My parents visited to take me to The Gladstone to see the two-man-show Stones In His Pockets which wasn't about a quirky guy with a collection but about suicide instead. 

 

The actors, Zach Counsil and Richard Gélinas, were great. I didn't know how they would handle so many characters between the two of them but they pulled it off miraculously and without the help of such aids as light, costume, or set changes. A slight change of their inflection and posture would completely transform them. 

 

The most notable part of the play was the long-haired dreadlocked guy sitting in front of me. Not only was he 7'100'', his hair hung down to his waist and, when sitting, tickled the tops of my feet. 

 

It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation.

Click for in real life picture

The other event I went to was Oktoberfest at Clarke Fields Park in Barrhaven (not Beau's but that is definitely the one I'll be at next year). They had a few ladies in lederhosen, Hogsback beer (of which I had Pumpkin, Vintage, and something very very murky), and an Oompah band that had a very limited playlist (finding diversity in Oompah music is difficult).

The boyfriend had a really funny moment (for me) when Norm from Cheers walked by and Elliott said “nice to meet you” but they hadn't met yet. (He doesn't know I'm telling the internet this).

20 minutes from now...

Shaun Majumder was there also in, what I hope was, a mullet wig.

Friday

Just Bake it!

A charity bake sale put on by local groups, churches, and bakeries. The fun includes a Pumpkin-pie tasting competition, cake decorating demonstrations, face painting, and a raffle for a $500 Billings Bridge gift card.

Be a hit at your family's Thanksgiving with some scrumptious baked goods!

Billings Bridge Mall, 2277 Riverside Drive. 9:30 am to 2 pm. Free admission. 613-226-6434.
website 

Saturday

O-town Hoedown (Fri & Sat)

The Hoedown is an annual concert series featuring contemporary (?), alternative (?) country music. The site says rockabilly, cowpunk, folk-rock, and bluegrass. From the site: “O-Town Hoedown is 100% independent, with volunteer staff comprised of local musicians and music lovers. Everything we do is for the love of music, not money! The bands and songwriters we showcase are the best of the best indie-alt-whatever country music in Ottawa”.

The venue, Rainbow Bistro, is beautiful. It looks like a ski resort's chalet — stone and brick walls, wooden beams, skylights, multi-level viewing... gorgeous.

Tickets are only available at the door. I can't find the price of admission so if you're wary of the cost call ahead.

The Rainbow Bistro, 76 Murray Street. Fri schedule, Sat schedule. 613-241-5123
http://www.otownhoedown.com/

All Weekend

Farmer's Market

I know I tout the Farmer's Market a lot but there are so many great veggies (etcetera) that are near the end of their harvesting season which usually means larger quantities — beets, broccoli, cranberries, herbs, honey, kale, green onions, and so much more.
Also, in case everything being pumpkin-spice flavoured these days wasn't a big enough hint, pumpkins are in season. The best part about pumpkin season (besides throwing their hollowed out bodies onto neighbour-porches) is the delicious feast of roasted pumpkin seeds.

Here's my mom's — and probably a few of your mom's — classic fool-proof recipe:

Three locations , morning until early afternoon. 613-986-2770.
http://www.ottawafarmersmarket.ca/

Harvesting Energy at the Agriculture Museum

Not only is the museum's Energy Park open but poultry is huge right now. Rare Breeds Canada http://www.rarebreedscanada.ca/ will be on hand showing off their birds and talking about their initiative. There will also be a poultry-themed craft (for children, damn it).

You get to make your own apple cider. Unfortunately, this isn't a cleats and basin type of operation. They have a real press and it's probably sanitary (pssht). Don't forget your bota (or whatever) for your own dash of flavour.

Including wagon rides, bunnies, and bread making it's a great weekend at the museum.

Agriculture Museum, Prince of Wales Drive. $9.00. All Weekend, 9:30am-4pm. 613-991-3044.

www.agriculture.technomuses.ca

Now get off the internet and go spend time with your family.

Sept 8 & 9

   Sorry. No pictures this week.. I would have done the usual illustrations but I actually couldn't stop watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo long enough to do it.

Friday

Stones in His Pockets

   A world famous Irish comedy! A rural Irish community is taken over by a Hollywood film crew.
   This is a two man show. Two actors play all of the roles! From what I've gleaned from online reviews it's going to be better than that scene in Mrs Doubtfire where the social worker shows up at Robin William's apartment.
   I don't know.
   The Gladstone Theatre, as mentioned before, is in a great location and makes for a wonderful evening out.

Gladstone Theatre, 910 Gladstone Avenue. 8 p.m. Tuesday-Saturday, Matinees Sunday & Monday until September 29th. $39. 613-233-4523

www.thegladstone.ca 

Sunday

Latin American Parade

   A parade? In September? Featuring one of the sexiest cultures? Olé!

   The parade demonstrates Latin-American roots found in Ottawa.
   Expect dancing, colours, and loudness!
   The accompanying fair to this parade is like two weeks from now so stay tuned for info on that.

Supreme Court of Canada, 301 Wellington Street to 110 Laurier Avenue West. 2p.m. Free admission. 613-252-2205

http://latinamericanfestival-latino.org

Yoga Aid

   Yoga Aid World Challenge is an attempt at uniting yogis around the world in an effort to raise $1 million for charity. Starting in Australia, Yoga Aid will “follow the sun” to Singapore, Hong Kong, Japan, India, Kenya, England, South Africa, Canada, and end in the US.
   The event is about two hours long.
   Register now to participate or to be a fundraiser

Confederation Park, at Elgin Street and Laurier Avenue West . 9a.m. - 11a.m.
http://www.yogaaid.com/ 

All Weekend

Ottawa Folk Festival

   From the Festival Description: “Set amidst the natural beauty of Hog’s Back Park, the Ottawa Folk Festival is a five-day celebration of music, dance, visual arts and community. Expect an eclectic mix of musical performances on two evening and five daytime stages. The event also includes participatory music workshops, special children and family performances, beer gardens, artisan and craft vendors, and much, much more. It's a family-friendly, community-focused, culturally diverse party that is also committed to sustainability and eco-friendly initiatives.”

UPDATE: the Folk Festival is rain or shine, folks! Don't let a little torrential downpour stop your fun.

Hog's Back Park, Hog's Back Road at Colonel By Drive. Gates open at 5p.m weekdays, noon on weekends, and the festivals ends before 11p.m nightly. Sept 6 until Sept 10. Pricesvary. You can pay at the gate but it's a bit of a gamble; get the tickets in advance. 613-230-8234

www.ottawafolk.com

Okay, back to Georgia-trash reality shows.

Long Weekend!

Saturday

Urban Art Show

   In the springtime, art shows were everywhere and getting a little boring. How many re-purposed forks can you really look at before the concept starts to feel tired? (Three).
   However, as summer got warmer and the air became heavier it seemed that what this city really needed was a good art sale again. My kingdom for a pushy artisan!
   We're finally in luck with the Urban Art Show. It features mostly local artists (I think there will actually be over 60 artists) and this year they're introducing a Graphic Design/Art category.
   If you're not out to buy it'll no doubt be a great place to get inspired.

Minto Park, Elgin Street and Gilmour Street. 9 a.m. Free admission. Contact 

http://www.urbanartshow.ca

Sunday

Open Blues Jam

   This event is the longest running Open Blues Jam in Ottawa. The Rainbow Bistro has been bringing eclectic music to their stage for the last 27 years. I haven't been in but apparently their venue is amazing; a fireplace, stone and wood accents for that chalet feel, skylights, and a second story view of the stage.
   So chase your blues away (HA HA HA HA HA) with a chill evening listening to great music.

The Rainbow Bistro, 76 Murray Street. Free for jammers, $3.00 for listeners. Every Sunday! 613-241-5123
www.therainbow.ca

All Weekend

International Busker's Festival

   Or as I like to call it : Proud Beggars Unite.

   Nah, the festival is actually renowned for the huge spectrum of talented people performing throughout the weekend. It's probably hard for people like Sophie the Fire Weaver, Reuben Dot Dot, and Boobily the Clown to find a traditional venue to perform their special acts.
   Of course, as with any street-worker, this shizz ain't free; don't forget your spare change to encourage the performers you like most!

Sparks Street Mall, Sparks Street. 11 a.m. until August 6^th. And though admission is free bring change! 613-230-0984

www.sparksstreetmall.com

Rideau Canal Festival

   It's the 180^th anniversary of the Rideau Canal!... and also of all those deaths.

   It's going to be a full weekend of outdoor leisure, art, history, and fireworks! There's something called Pirate Adventures. NOBODY TELL ME WHAT THAT IS... I want to be shown.
UPDATE: The fireworks have been cancelled due to it never raining anymore. There is, however, going to be a parade of boats with pretty lights attached so stick around for that. 

Bytown Museum/Ottawa Locks, 1 Canal Lane or Dow's Lake Pavillion, 1001 Queen Elizabeth Drive. $10.00 for a weekend pass (some activities are free, so...). Until August 6^th. 613-688-5942
http://www.rideaucanalfestival.ca

July 21 & 22

   The unexpected summer-hiatus is finally over. We missed some good times: the HOPE Volleyball Event, the Muslim Festival, and BluesFest. Also, the giveaway has been pushed back a bit. Let's put that behind us and focus on the future. 

   Ottawa This Weekend; July 21 & 22 is as below.

Saturday

Yoga on the Beach!

The Sierra Club (a non-governmental organization dedicated to protecting the environment) is hosting this outdoor yoga event. Bring a towel and lots of water.

Hopefully they don't mean doing yoga on the actual beach because the creative opportunities for harbouring sand in your clothes are endless. How uncomfortable.

Britannia Beach, 2805 Carling Avenue. Suggested donation $5.00. 9 a.m. to 10 a.m. 613-241-4611

All Weekend

The Dark Knight Rises 

   This event isn't exclusively Ottawa but it's still going to be pretty amazing.

   So, Batman's blue because it's been almost eight years that he's been scrutinized for being a vigilante. Then, Catwoman and Bane show up and they're causing problems and stuff and who do you think the city will need to save them, hmm? HMM?!

   I'm so afraid for Batman; Bane's sleep apnoea masks gives me fear-nausea. 

 

   Pro-tip: It's almost three hours long so don't bring your kids. Everyone will hate you.  

Various theatres,  various times. Contact information  

Ottawa Turkish Festival

   In the description it says you can participate in activities for children which hopefully means doing kid-stuff without the children. There's going to be art, dancing, gourmet food, authentic demonstrations and performances, and the opportunity to learn more about the Turkish culture!

Confederation Park, at Elgin and Laurier West. 5 p.m. Friday, 3 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. Saturday. 613-228-1616

www.ottawaturkishfestival.com

Mosaika: Canada Through the Eyes of its People

   The light show is truly awesome. The effects make it look like the bricks in the building are moving. That's amazing! In past years, they forgot to include hockey-related stories but this year now features hockey content. Score! Next year: Tim Hortons content?

Parliament Hill, 1 Wellington Street. FREE. Starts at 10 p.m. all of July (cancelled during poor weather) 30 minute run-time.
http://www.canadascapital.gc.ca/celebrate/mosaika

   Did you know that tickling ivory doesn't just mean getting to third base with a white girl?

    It also refers to playing the piano! Even though piano keys are now mostly made out of synthetic material there was a time when opulent pianos were finished with ivory, or elephant-tusk, keys.

   In 1989, the international ban on trading ivory was meant to save the million-or-so elephants left in Africa. Twenty-three years later, there are less than half that many left and the rate of poaching is still increasing.

   Lady elephants have noticed our blood-lusty fondness for their teeth and are selecting small-tusked mates accordingly. They are purposefully breeding out large-tusked elephants to thwart their biggest threat: asshole poachers.

   How clever! Elephants are taking the evolution-bull by the horns and refusing to bone it!

  Fact. Fun!

please email RA Centre event's Manager Shelley: scarbonetto@racentre.com Politely ask to have the circus cancelled.