May 12 & 13 Weekend

   I didn’t go to a structured event this weekend.
    It was Mother’s Day weekend. That special time of year when you reflect on all the spiteful and inexplicably mean shit you did to your mother as an emotionally stunted miniature psychopath with creepily high hormone levels and a G1 license.

   It’s also the weekend where you bust your ass trying to make up for all that nonsense with apologies cleverly disguised as thoughtful gifts.

   I live pretty far away from my mommy and feel a bit inadequate when this day rolls around. The past two years, I ordered flowers to be delivered from local shops in Orillia (because I was vying for Most Uninspired Gift, obviously) and the flower places ended up calling my mom to come pick up her own flowers, anyway. They suck at surprises.

   Earlier in April, I decided that this Mother’s Day was going to be awesome. Two days before the big day I still had no idea what to do and it was too late to order the dregs of flowers left behind by more organized people (plus I had already rage-burned all my Orillia-florist bridges). 

Armed only with a camera and desperation, I started recording the Mother’s Day That Could Have Been. Have a look-see:

    You’ll notice the sewing bit goes on a little long. It took a pathetic two hours to produce two acceptable teabags — I couldn’t look at the footage objectively in editing and agonized over every frame no matter how insignificant. 

    What you don’t see is the clueless attempts at producing cinematic magic resulting in a miffed cashier, a near-miss car-to-bike accident, and the hair at my temples being ripped out (pause at 2:26 in the video for explanation).

Derby Dolls May 5-6 Weekend UPDATED

Behold! Kristen’s guest blog. She didn’t want to showcase her super-talent for drawing so the pictures are true to Ottawa This Weekend style. They may, however, not reflect the actual events at the Capital City Derby Dolls’ Season Opener.

  

    I don’t know about you, but I know very little of the vicious, gladiatorial blood sport that is roller derby.  Except that there were roller skates, fishnets and violence involved.  And clever nicknames ironed on to Kelly green jerseys (such as Shutter Down, Violently Jill and of course, Delicate Plow’her).

Fishnets, right?! Probably.

  
   Well, several people know a heck of a lot about roller derby because Jack Cherron Arena in Kanata was packed on the evening of May 5^th.  It was the season opener for the Capital City Derby Dolls (CCDD) team, the Dolly Rogers. 

   Not only did people come in droves and practically throw their $10 admittance at the Dollys working the door, but many of them were decked out in supportive green.  The stands were crammed and close to a hundred people stood on the rink floor in the “beer garden,” sipping cheap brews and shouting encouragements.

   

   The rules are more complicated than I fully understand but this is what I know: five reps from each team hit the track, four from each team are blockers and they cluster together with the other team, jostling and generally crowding each other as they make their way around the track.  I’m told that hitting someone below the knees or above the elbows is a penalty offence. 

Which is good news for this young lady.

 
   To open their season, the Dolly Rogers took on Quebec’s Les Duchesses.  I’d heard while milling around with the crowd how closely matched that these two teams were in skill (or at least stamina) but I had no idea how true that was. 

   There were tons of slips, trips, falls and pile-ups.  Though the girls were all wearing helmets, knee and elbow pads, you just have to wince.  The picture was all the clearer when I noticed an injured Dolly Roger cheering her teammates on from a wheelchair on the sidelines.

   Les Duchesses lost their lead lady about mid-way through but that didn’t stop them from earning points.  The final score was 108 to 109 for the Dolly Rogers!  The place was charged and the team hoisted their colours for their victory lap, the crowd pushing in to the line to slap high fives as both teams skated past. 

   My verdict?  Everyone needs to check out these high-speed hellions.  The mood was light, competitive and hey, some people even won money during the half-time draw.  I picked up some merchandise on my way out the door to support the team.  Their next home game is June 12^th vs. Kingston’s Rogue Warriors.  I’ll be there in Dolly Roger green!

   Check out the  CCDD blog or like them on Facebook.

   A portion of the money raised at this event went to support the Ottawa Food Bank.

Catch up with Kristen over at LinkedIn  

UPDATE Les Duchesses actually won 111-109 after recounting. We'll get 'em next time!

March 10-11 (bonus Friday)

Friday

“I Am A Feminist, But...”

Although bra-burning is terribly outdated, (not to mention uneconomical) this evening-celebration of International Women's Week is a modern hoopla of sisterly solidarity.
There'll be a talk-show-panel style discussion on the feminist year in review, a short film called 'Sh*t Feminists Say' (probably inspired by this, this, and this), a (vaguely described) contest, and the Fourth Annual Femmy Awards.

There will also be a cash bar (my second favourite kind of bar) so you'll still be able to get a little drunk and say something sexy to a feminist.

Library and Archives, 395 Wellington St. $9.00. 6pm
click for website

Saturday

30^th Annual St Patrick's Day Parade

The Ottawa Irish Festival starts March 8^th but is kicking off this Saturday by snaking a line of Irish-enthusiasts down Bank Street.

There will be (or at least discussion about) Irish-themed music, poetry, history, song, dance, theatre, language, and sport.

The Ottawa Food Bank will be collecting so bring your non perishables.
If it's anything like I expect it to be  it ought to be a rousin' good time.

Laurier Ave West + Elgin to Landsdowne Park. 11am - 1pm. 613-591-9194.

www.irishsocietyncr.com

Sunday

Live Entertainment and Pancake Breakfast

In keeping with the theme of Impending St Patty's Day, St Brigid's (of St Brigid's cross) Centre for the Arts is hosting a delicious breakfast and live entertainment. Volunteer musicians from the Irish community will be a-serenading while you wolf down pancakes, fruit, ham, homefries,and coffee.

You can also pick up a loaf of Soda Bread and stop by Irish Eyes gift shop to get all your gear for St Patty's day.

St. Brigid's Centre for the Arts, 310 St. Patrick St, $5.00. 10am - 12pm

www.saintbrigidsccentre.com

All Weekend

The 18^th Annual Travel and Vacation Show

A consumer travel show with the added benefits of a Trade Show. If this is anything like the Sexapalooza trade show, there'll be $40 purex glass phalli.

Ottawa Convention Centre, 55 Colonel By Drive. $10.00. 10am – 5pm

www.travelandvacationshow.ca 

The Mud Oven

They're a paint-your-own ceramics studio! You pick a vessel (mugs, bowls, vases, tea pots, frames, goblets, candleholders, and more), design and paint it, and leave it with the staff to glaze and fire for you to pick up in a few days.

My friend, struggling to come up with a gift idea, called to ask for a ceramic-painting-companion. I have since been paralysed by all the possibilities a blank canvas holds.

My ideas so far:

Reservations are recommended and party packages available.

The Mud Oven. 1065 Bank St. Saturday and Sunday 10am – 6pm. 613-730-0814

www.mudoven.com

Barnyard Break: Agricultural Museum

   
    In the spirit that (hopefully) perpetuates this blog I visited one of the events from the past weekend.  I give the Agricultural Museum experience a rating of six out of 10 ringworms.

   The first thing you'll notice as an adult at the Agricultural Museum is all of the children. The events and exhibits are aimed pretty much exclusively toward them. All of the sinks are groin-height and the doors are surprisingly lightweight.

I actually stopped counting how many kids I facepalmed to get first-petsies on a goat or a lamb.

   There was, as with any place that people keep animals, a depressing stop on the tour. In an effort to accurately exemplify commercial standards, giant pigs are kept in tiny pens with sawdust covering one half and a concrete drainage stage on the other to hose away their poo. Knowing pig's affinity for frolicking, it upset me. However, a woman with a Burt Reynold's mustache  helpfully reminded me that pigs are not pets so should not be treated as such (although it is widely understood that pigs are smarter than pets and toddlers).
Here's to hoping they'll hang up some literature and open up the windows instead of keeping the porkers indoors all year long.

 

  I didn't get to touch any chickens as they were out of reach. This is just conjecture but all chickens are assholes. I expect to love them again someday but will not forget the burn from their iciness. 

  

 I was most surprised to find love at the Agricultural Museum. As with every great love story there was an obstacle to overcome. In this case the obstacle was animals being disgusting: 

   Finding the adorable in this cud-chewer opened my heart and flooded my soul with the warm willingness to love. I never could have predicted the calculated attack on my sense of dignity through the doors labelled “Calves: Petting Allowed”

              The risk of contracting ringworm be damned.

              He has big eyes, a potential name of Vincenzo, and a slaughter-auction date about a week away.